So, how many holidays are there and how much are you offering, if I decide I’m interested?
Replies
Blow the interviewer
You get the job
I’m autistic, trans and chronically ill.
Do you have gluten free food in the cafeteria? I can’t have more than 4 people around me at any given time. Where’s the toilet for non gendered people?
Should just about do it I suppose.
Repeat everything the interviewer says in Yosemite Sam’s voice, but punctuate every sentence with “bitch!”
“Didn’t I see you in (name of local odd hangout, like a gay bar or something)?”
“Thanks for your time, but this job isn’t for me. I wish you good luck finding your candidate, though.”
Blow a job. Remove the a. Instant fail and a felony.
can’t rape the willing!
What? Thats easy?
“Suck yo grandpas wrinkley wang on a Wednesday!”
That’s a weird name.
Try to set up the interviewer with my friend “who isn’t as bad as they say”
“Here’s my card. If you wouldn’t mind signing it and giving it back to me, we just need 30% to get a vote on forming a union.”
Just keep trying as hard as I can
Instructions unclear, dyslexia made me blow the job interviewer.
task failed successfully
i mean it depends what the job is for
take a massive liquid shit in the trashcan and maintain eye contact the whole time while humming or singing “I’ve been working on the railroad”.
Just tell the interviewer how great their feet look.
“Why do you want this job/to work here?” “I’m just looking for something interesting to do for a while, get out of the house a bit. This sounds interesting enough.”
They hear: I don’t need a job, I may not need money, I may already have a job, I’m not picky about where I work so I’m probably not planning to stay, I’m likely to be weird or high maintenance, I’m very likely to move on quickly if I’m no longer entertained, and most importantly, I don’t need this specific job so I won’t take abuse of any sort.
This does work to land food service jobs, though, because they don’t really care. They gain and lose staff so frequently that if you just aren’t a complete shitshow you’ll get the job.
‘My Enneagram is NSFW’.
Tell them I could do the interview better than them
I’d pull a Hal Incandeza and just sit there. When they ask my why I’m not speaking, I’ll just start screeching, making weird faces, and writhing around.
Show up naked
Jokes on you, their hiring for “World’s sexiest Lemmy user”
I don’t think a walrus is going to win.
Three words…
Cock finger puppet.
I agree. Cocks should not have fingers.
Act as if the place is yours as if you were the boss
All I’d have to do is turn up.
And here I was thinking the most reliable and comfortable way to fail is to not show up!
not show up
They could wait for more than 30sec.
Might not work.
A few years ago I’d have said a Nazi salute.
But now I have to ask clarifying questions, like the location of the interview
If you’re in the US, you might get extra points for the salute.
At the very least it wouldn’t get you kicked out of an interview at Tesla
The only thing that changed is your perception, but thats still wrong.
People used to care about stuff like that, but a big deal wasnt even made of it.
But today? Youre likely to actually get hurt by some retard who doesn’t know shit or how to mind their own business.
The only reason it is such a big deal today is because of the hyper offended culture that has been born out of the political correctness culture
What the fuck?
I think you need to clarify, because it sounds like you’re saying that the only reason that people have a problem with Nazis is PC culture.
and that you’re saying people making a big deal about Nazis is a bad thing, people should either not care about Nazis or return to not doing anything about Nazis even if they cared?
Keep in mind this is in the context of doing a full Nazi salute, which is pretty unambiguous.
Is that really thile hill you want to die on?
This is a bot my guy. There are a few on Lemmy. They artificially drum up interaction with emotionally charged responses that don’t say much. You could copy paste their comment to anything.
Good to know. Idk why someone would do that on Lemmy, but I guess I’ll have to keep an eye out
In the movie Trainspotting, Spud took a bunch of speed right before his job interview to mess up any chances he had of getting hired.
So… that.
Can’t remember if it’s in the movie too, but in the book, the speed starts to make him paranoid that he’s doing too well and might get the job 😁
I went to an interview for a company in the west coast and I was in central time. the recruiter told me that they had core hours and I’d have some flexibility. one of the first questions was whether I was willing to work Pacific time, which I wasn’t, especially since it wasn’t the best paying job in the world. That interview lasted about 30 seconds.
Immediately strip and start furiously masturbating.
Did the interview room have a big black couch?
I wish there was proper furniture! Fucker advised me of shoplifting!
That’ll do it
I had to read that title a few times. As it potentially could be its own answer: offer a blowjob
…I know, I’ll see myself out now…
What a useless post.
Do you handle multiple dicks or just your own?
Boring perhaps, but just get up and leave.
“This is exactly the kind of confidence we’re looking for in a candidate. You’re hired!”
Always leave em wanting more. Standard.
Drugs.
I cough into my hand as I reach out to greet them and fart loudly as I make eye contact while shaking their hand.
“Yup, that’s me on the OSHA poster.”
“I’m the reason they changed the safety rules 3 times in a month”
Blowie with lots of teeth
Calm down now Trump
Easy, just don’t come at all
But keep stroking it?
Gotta edge them for as long as you can. That way you can get a raise.
Establish inward dominance as well as outward dominance.
"I do not believe the AI hype"
“I’ve always been on the lookout for great places to start a workers union.”
If I’m genuinely speed running this and don’t have consequences is probably drop slurs followed by multiple, conflicting extreme political opinions involving violence and the like. The goal is that even if you find a racist who is excited about your slurs you can hit 'em with extreme progressive takes like “kill all men” or something.
Worst case, after saying a bunch of bad things and conflicting opinions they’ll probably still just think you’re odd.
A better but boring answer, just say “nevermind, I don’t want this job” first thing. lol.
Is “kill all men” progressive?
It was something that radical feminists used to say a few years back.
A better but boring answer, just say “nevermind, I don’t want this job” first thing. lol.
Story time: That happened to me. I was the interviewer.
The canidate showed up and answered my first question with “I accepted another offer this morning.”
It was a short interview.
I think my notes just said “poor communication skills”, which seemed nicer than “didn’t occur to them to text rather than show up”.
I’m zeroing in on a better method. I think “I no longer want this job and have accepted another. I am ineligible to work in this country. I am a felon.” seems like a pretty good.
Naw.
Poop on their desk
Something like this
Pants go down to ankles
Underwear go down to ankles
And then the helicopter starts up
That’s how you join an exclusive club, people who aren’t allowed to live near a school.
I think you’re just supposed to not get hired, not get arrested!
Well they didn’t say you couldnt get arrested.
This reminded me of:
Pull out a joint and start smoking it and ask if they want a hit
“dude no smoking outside designated hotboxes”
You’re hired.
Based on my job obtaining ability in the last year apparently be me.
Fart into an airzooka and shoot the fart at the interviewers.
Like a normal fart or a fart that brought some friends
Gotta play the hand we're dealt.
Number 2
Ask for a blow job
How else I gonna get my beard dry
Get my dick out. If it doesn’t ruin it, I’ll run away anyway - who would want to work in a company where such a behaviour is okay?
For some reason (probably that story about the student whose packer fell out in front of a teacher who said “I hate it when it does that”) I have a different image in my head.
Whatever I’ve been doing for the past year, apparently.
;-;
Same… same.
First, can you sign this form for my unemployment job search? Thanks bye.
Options: Vomit all over the interviewer’s desk. Act crazy and shout random stuff in German, made worse by the fact that my German is dogshit Pretend that I’m in a theater play (ie Romeo and juliet) and start dramatically acting a role, etc.
Whip it out and piss on the desk.
Go for the hand shake and then pull a Hitler salute.
Welcome at X
Mypillow would hire you on the spot
I had one guy I interviewed tell me, unprompted, that all the women in the company would definitely feel comfortable around him. Ok??? It was a fast no thank you.
“I am always respectful and appropriate towards female employees, especially the hot ones.”
Sounds like something Michael Scott would say.
Oh I did this one once! I interviewed for a job as a construction worker, and my first question was “what’s the pay” and second “how the fuck do you expect anyone to say yes to that”.
They also had an apprentice working on a roof right next to us with absolutely no safety gear in sight.
That sounds like they blew the interview, not you
Hire me or OSHA geta notified.
“Hi, I don’t want this job, I’m just here because the job centre told me to apply if I want to continue receiving unemployment benefits.”
“I have uncontrollable diarrhea, I smell like I have uncontrollable diarrhea, and my cooking tastes like uncontrollable diarrhea. When can I start, chef?”
Pee
You’re hired as our new water fountain in the entrance hall!
Blowjob?
I actually did this. Maybe not within thirty seconds or so, but I was applying for a higher level position (above my current classification) at a collections agency. Was kind of sick of the grind but others thought I should be promoted, but interview was required first. I basically told them over and over that if they paid me the right salary I’d do the job. They were not impressed, and my then manager had a few words for me the next day. Oh to be young and not having a care in the world. I also knew I had a different career path in mind, so I wasn’t interested in staying either.
“Hey, were you at that BDSM orgy the other night?”
Call them to say I found a better job.
No, I don’t show up. Just call at the exact time the interview starts.
As soon as it begins, I'll put on that one rubber horse mask that's been a meme on and off for the last 20 or more years.
That in itself might be enough.
If not I may be forced to make horse noises. There's actually a sound that's called "blowing" I think is perfect for the situation, so I could technically "blow" the interview and still get the job if they're sufficiently unhinged.
Were it not for the potential for criminal damage, I would also stand abruptly before making the noise and then, with suitable timing, violently kick the chair backwards.
I think that could all fit nicely within 30 seconds.
Or, you know, I could just tell them the truth that my mental state is incredibly fragile and the tiniest amount of work stress or office politics is going to be detrimental to both myself and the company in very short order and that I should not have been sent there in the first place... but where's the fun in that?
Pick my nose and wipe it in the interviewer’s desk, and acknowledge nothing.
“Workers of the world, Unite!”
brandishes a hammer and sickle
(I’m not a communist, I just think this scene would look so funny)
Apparently just be my own natural self.
I’d like to disclose my disability from my time in federal prison.
Ask to clarify if it’s really a blow job interview like I thought I read.
- I only push to
master - I only deploy to prod on Fridays
- I am not available on the weekends
something about your confidence… you’re hired!
Confidence coming from ignorance is human’s biggest trap.
“Before I answer any questions, tell me about the real pay package, bonus structure, vacation and sick days and promotions schedule. I also have to warn you in advance that I have flight booked to Barbados next month so we can count that as a signing bonus.”
As a European, this sounds like a rude and slightly exaggerated way of asking a normal question. A bad way to start, but probably not something that will get you kicked out of an interview in 30 seconds.
In north america it is an instant write off.
Lucky
Start by asking how many paid days off and what is the drinking policy on the job
Can we first just check out the salary?
leans in close to the interviewer
“That’s where that smell was coming from.”
Show up naked and shit on the receptionist
First few ideas: Talk about how I’m not really big on the whole “working hard” thing, immediately bring up and rant about weird political ideas, “I’m worth X, take it or leave it”
Show up 20 minutes late.
Failed the task. Said first 30 seconds.
As you can clearly see I’m white and male. When do I start?
Honestly, this works more often than ot.
Congrats, Mr. President! You’ve won the election!
Don’t break eye contact during the entire interview and refuse to speak. Write all your answers on paper and slide them to the interviewer upside down.
So, be Deaf and have no interpreter?
“Pull my finger”!
Tell the truth. Corporate drones hate that more than anything.
“Father rapers sitting there next to me”
Lol, what is that from?
The movie Alice’s Restaurant
If it’s the part I’m guessing it is, it was an accidentally successful interview, too, haha.
I’m probably wrong but it looks like it could be a scene from a video for Don McLean’s Alice’s Restaurant
We’ll pick up a chair and throw it out of the window, start screaming “fuck you!” at everyone in earshot, and then whip out my dick and start pissing all over the place.
If they still hire me after that, I will work there until I retire.
If they still hire me after that, I will work there until I retire.
That would explain a few things about a colleague or two that I have worked with…
The brief was to fail the interview, not also get yourself a criminal record, but I suppose you could float this as a hypothetical in the interview itself and not actually carry it out for more interesting (and less destructive) results.
How strict is your sexual harassment policy?
How strict is your shitting on Debra’s desk policy?
Blow job interview, you say?
Blow them?
“I have AuDHD.”
Wouldnt bother me at all, I probably work with a few undiagnosed colleagues.
The only challenge is making sure we have the right role for you.
That one depends on the job. Some managers will love to exploit your inclination to hyper focus on solving problems and following the rules. They won’t ask you to work unpaid after hours but if you want to they won’t protest… Doing a third of the work for a team of six people? That’s great, but your next performance review will include the criticism that you’re not as social as your coworkers because you’re too busy doing the job.
Except that it’s gambling. The jobs trigger my hyper focus, sure I’ll do in a week a project meant for a month. But inversely, I can be incapable of even thinking about a task and make no progress for weeks.
I mean, meds have made it better.
Would giving a blow job blow the job interview? 🤔
Ever put a task in your todo list or calendar, but forget what it means later?
Todo:
- …
- Blow job interview
- …
You’re hired
But like, you need to do the blow job first
I don’t know exactly, I’ll just be myself.
Remind me when i applied for a tech store.
“We also mandate workers to recommend extra warranty to customers that ask for advice , how do you feel about this”
“I always try to help people who come to me for advice the very best i can, i would need to see the details of this extended warranty but if i believe it would really serve the customer then of course i will recommend it”
They laughed; i did not get the job.
Always seems to work so far!
I guess as the applicant, turn around and leave?
As the interviewer, also leave
Also getting naked would do it. Either party.
“I like you guys. You’re cool. All my other bosses were asshats.”
I’ve actually heard this one in an interview.
“I’m a single parent, so it’s hard to work overtime without notice.”
I don’t really see the issue with that one. Most of my staff have commitments outside of work that require them to take certain days off or start/finish late during parts of the year. As long as they advise these things in advance, you can just schedule around it.
Also, if you have enough work on that you need more staff, even a part-timer still reduces the total workload on everyone else.
Shit on the table, then yell at them to clean it up.
“You’re exactly what we look for in our middle management positions.”
I can shit on somebody/thing without exposing myself. C suite or better
That’s easy: just say “Allahu akhbar” when you get in.
You are applying in Pakistan and get a return “Allahu akbar” in a routinely manner with a straight face.
Continue the interview.
Dodge the handshake and go right in for the French kiss.
You are hereby accepted to SexyTimesPorn Co.
Tell them they can’t afford me
You’d be surprised the number of head hunters you’ll pique the interest of with that line.
They get me on board with the high salary, but the damage I do by not knowing how to do the job is ultimately what they cannot afford.
Hey, I could do that for more!