AskFediverse

· 15 hours ago
@pigmentvessel@lemmy.blahaj.zone

Homophobic dad is okay with me being gay? How does one interpret such behavior?

I literally haven’t dated anyone yet because I was afraid of his reaction (I’m also financially dependent on him) and then he just casually drops this bomb while we’re having an unrelated fight. That he has known I’m gay for years. It’s important to note that during these years he has trash talked gay people. But now while he was telling me this he was very calm. So I ask him if he’s angry or hates me or whatever, and he says I don’t like it but you’re my son what else am I supposed to do? If you killed someone I’d have to cover up for you even though I don’t condone murder, if I had to kill someone to protect you I’d have to do it even though I wouldn’t want to. So “it is what it is”. I just can’t believe his cognitive dissonance.

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Replies

@Randomgal@lemmy.ca
 · 13 hours ago

He knows you. He doesn’t know many other queer people. Don’t attribute malice to what can easily be explained with ignorance. Maybe he will also become more open as time goes on and he learns more about queer culture and what it rally is like.

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@dohpaz42@lemmy.world
 · 14 hours ago

I had an argument earlier with my son (it was about raking leaves, so nothing genuinely bad), and a few minutes ago my son blew up at his brother and got upset all over again when I confronted him. So we went to his room to talk, and I asked him what was upsetting him so much. He told me he thought I hated him because I was yelling at him earlier.

Long story short, I told him I wasn’t yelling at him per se; I had to yell because I wanted to be heard over the loud leaf blower. Also, I made sure to reinforce with him that there is nothing he could say, do, or become that would ever make me hate him.

So, while I get how it can be confusing to know that your dad is homophobic, I can also understand why he said what he said; because Im a dad, and (homophobia aside) I feel the exact same way. I put my kids far above my own beliefs, because I fucking love them.

If/when you ever decide to have children, I have no doubt that it’ll make perfect sense to you too. It’s a parent thing. 😊

~Also, kudos to your dad for taking this approach and not copping out and disowning you. That’s huge.~

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@TheTimeKnife@lemmy.world
 · 14 hours ago

He loves you more than he hates gay people. It’s as simple as that. You don’t have to accept his hatred, or enable it, but it’s also okay to be happy that your dad loves you.

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@papalonian@lemmy.world
 · 14 hours ago

I would ask him how he would feel if someone else talked to you/ about you the same way that he does other gay people. And why it’s ok that he judges other people’s sons and daughters, while he alone is allowed to judge his own (according to himself).

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@IWW4@lemmy.zip
 · 14 hours ago

What is there to interpret… he is accepting you for who you are.

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@HubertManne@piefed.social
 · 14 hours ago

this is a common conservative thing. almost all republicans who softened their stance on gay rights had a relative who was gay. The ones were it was a child usually came around the most.

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@TootSweet@lemmy.world
 · 15 hours ago

If you’re ever able to and need to go no-contact with him, just don’t feel any guilt over it.

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@Acamon@lemmy.world
 · 15 hours ago

People are homophobic for a variety of reasons, and people who aren’t particuarly homophobic might still use slurs or be offensive about gay people, just because they’re used to it and don’t think very much. Sometimes people just hate a caricature of a group, but when they meet individuals and they aren’t like what they expect, then they can get along fine with them. Sometimes they genuinely don’t like a characteristic, but that doesn’t outweigh the other things they do like about someone.

I was worried about coming out to my dad because he definitely “gay = bad”, although he’s generally decent person so he’s always been very kind and supportive to my gay friends, even before I came out myself. When I finally told him, he made clear that I was his son and he loved me and that would never change. I imagine initially he probably still thought itwas bad, but was willing to accept it because they could see how happy I was with my partner. But over time, he’s moved on from his negative attitude to homosexuality in general, because he’s been able to generalise from me to the rest of the world.

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@PiraHxCx@lemmy.ml
 · 15 hours ago

plot twist: His father was trash talking Milo Yiannopoulos

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@FartMaster69@lemmy.dbzer0.com
 · 15 hours ago

People are complicated, but it sounds like he loves you more than he dislikes homosexuality.

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@andyburke@fedia.io
 · 15 hours ago

If you killed someone I’d have to cover up for you even though I don’t condone murder

what?

This is what gets me about the conservative mindset every time. There appears to be no actual moral framework behind it. It is only about them and their wants and desires.

Personally, if someone said this to me I would understand them to be amoral. And an amoral person has no ground to stand on to judge anyone else.

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@iii@mander.xyz
 · 15 hours ago

I just can’t believe his cognitive dissonance.

I think your father thought about this for a long time. And concluded: His love for you is unconditional. He puts that above any and all belief he ever held or will hold.

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@slothrop@lemmy.ca
 · 14 hours ago

They are definitely making dad’s life more beautiful and vice versa.

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@KelvarCherry@lemmy.blahaj.zone
 · 15 hours ago

If you killed someone I’d have to cover up for you even though I don’t condone murder, if I had to kill someone to protect you I’d have to do it even though I wouldn’t want to.

Many parents wouldn’t agree with one, or either, of these statements. I imagine the fact he believes these has a big part in why he supports you, despite seemingly not supporting people like you. Some parents would turn their kids into the police; others frivolously argue a false alibi story. Some parents would disown their kids for choosing a career or partner or religion they don’t agree with; for others, that’s a bias-breaking experience. Some parents would die for their kids; others view them as labor or retirement security.

People are complicated, man.

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@devolution@lemmy.world
 · 15 hours ago

He sounds like a typical child fucking conservative. Only cares about his ilk.

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@rumschlumpel@feddit.org
 · 14 hours ago

A lot of conservatives literally kick out and/or disown their children for being gay. I wouldn’t call this “typical”.

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@Montagge@lemmy.zip
 · 14 hours ago

I’ve seen this play out as it’s okay until their son or daughter starts dating someone from the same sex. Then suddenly it’s a big issue again.

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@devolution@lemmy.world
 · 14 hours ago

I’ve seen plenty of conservatives, racists and homophobes who consider “their” kid the exception toy heir shitty belief systems.

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@FartMaster69@lemmy.dbzer0.com
 · 15 hours ago

That’s a bit extreme.

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@TheTimeKnife@lemmy.world
 · 14 hours ago

Aren’t they arguing on TV that it’s not wrong to fuck children? Why are conservatives always immune from the consequences of their behavior? Literally anybody else would be permanently known as a child fucker by association.

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@devolution@lemmy.world
 · 15 hours ago

Not really. CFC’s are trash humans.

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@FartMaster69@lemmy.dbzer0.com
 · 14 hours ago

Good argument but I’m not fully convinced by “nuh uh”.

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@devolution@lemmy.world
 · 14 hours ago

So the last 8 years isn’t enough?

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@TheReanuKeeves@lemmy.world
 · 15 hours ago

Some people have trouble empathizing with situations until it happens to them. Be glad your dad is capable of empathy.

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@ech@lemmy.ca
 · 14 hours ago

I wouldn’t call what he said “empathy”.

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@TheReanuKeeves@lemmy.world
 · 14 hours ago

Accepting your son for being something you disagree with certainly requires a level of empathy. Inability to accept others for their differences comes from a lack of empathy.

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@ech@lemmy.ca
 · 14 hours ago

Empathy requires considering peoples’ feelings other than your own. I don’t see that here, just a begrudging sense of obligation and, based on op’s other comments, ownership/possession.

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@TheReanuKeeves@lemmy.world
 · 14 hours ago

So you would see disowning him as a more empathetic approach?

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@ech@lemmy.ca
 · 14 hours ago

Neither is empathetic in the slightest.

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@MyDarkestTimeline01@ani.social
 · 15 hours ago

It’s really not. People have been compartmentalizing for ages. And it’s exactly what he says. He doesn’t like who you’re attracted to but you are his son. He still loves and cares for you.

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@pigmentvessel@lemmy.blahaj.zone
 · 15 hours ago

What really shocked me is that he told me someone at work asked him if it’s true that I’m gay and instead of denying or insulting me he told that person to mind their own business cause he’s the only one who’s allowed to judge me.

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@MyDarkestTimeline01@ani.social
 · 14 hours ago
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@MyDarkestTimeline01@ani.social
 · 14 hours ago

youtu.be/qJOdqLjNrf8

The whole interview is worth a watch, but you’re looking for the part where he talks about his uncle.

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@MyDarkestTimeline01@ani.social
 · 14 hours ago

Give me two seconds I need to find an article about something John Stewart said recently that I think you may need to read.

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@snoons@lemmy.ca
 · 15 hours ago

he’s the only one who’s allowed to judge me.

fuckin’ based lmao

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