AskFediverse

16 hours ago

@GrayBackgroundMusic@lemmy.zip

Please help me under stand my spouse's gift and their hurt

For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.

I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.

We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?

We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?

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Replies

@mybuttnolie@sopuli.xyz

13 hours ago

100k miles is practically new lmao

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@Kyrgizion@lemmy.world

14 hours ago

This isn’t about a generational hand-me-down dildo, is it?

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@Zwuzelmaus@feddit.org

14 hours ago

Both parties have yet to learn that simple piece of wisdom:

The bait must be to the fish’s liking, not to the angler’s.

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@NABDad@lemmy.world

14 hours ago

You messed up. Plenty of people will tell you that.

I wanted to address the challenge you face with your spouse not accepting that you don’t like change.

I find myself to be much the same, and very occasionally my wife tries to get me to change. I’ve explained it like this:

I don’t like change. I find something I love, and I keep it forever. I don’t want something new. I don’t want something different. I want to keep what I have.

If I say it right and give her a chance to think about it, my wife, who I have been with since I was 16 and she was 15, figures out that she’s ok with me not wanting change.

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@TheTimeKnife@lemmy.world

14 hours ago

Well my advice would be to not pick a fight over a mildly annoying gift, but you seem to have your compass set to your priorities. So good luck, hope you work it out.

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@AsoFiafia@lemmy.zip

14 hours ago

I’m the same way with things, but I do think you handled this poorly. When people do things like this for me, also knowing I’d prefer to keep what I have or fix it if it’s malfunctioning/broken, my response is usually something along the lines of: “Thank you! This will come in handy when I can no longer use the one I have now. I’ll keep this safe until then!”

As someone else pointed out, they probably had a very good reason for getting that for you. When my lady bought me a new cell phone and I said basically what I wrote above, her response was that while she understands my current phone works, it doesn’t always work well, and she’d like to have longer, more meaningful conversations with me while I’m out of town. I asked her what she meant, since I saw no problem with it. She said my current phone didn’t keep a charge very long and the microphone wasn’t great. I learned that she called me less often than she’d like to because she felt like having me repeat myself and having to stop my work to charge the phone while having our talks was a bother to me, so she figured this would fix both of those problems. I swapped the service to the new phone immediately. She was elated, I was happy she was happy, and honestly I have a great phone that lasted two days on a charge for over a year. I also rarely have to repeat myself now, and didn’t realize that I was, in fact, bothered having to repeat myself until I didn’t have to.

Win-win, but you’ll never know if you shut it down.

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@Cruxifux@feddit.nl

14 hours ago

“My car has over 100k” had me dying.

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@papalonian@lemmy.world

14 hours ago

I’ve only ever owned one car under 100k and it wasn’t by much, lol

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@Cruxifux@feddit.nl

13 hours ago

My truck has 400k right now and runs great.

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@HubertManne@piefed.social

14 hours ago

Alls I will say is you pick your battles in marriage and when it comes to things to fight over you gotta sorta ask if its really worth it. I am much like you. To the point where I have had like acquaintances (people you know but are not friends that you hang out with) complain and even want to buy me clothes because they can’t stand the old or worn stuff. In particular women. If you are like me was are especially bad about these things even for men. Like stallman level unkeptness. To the point even some male friends will be like. You need to get some better threads. If that is you then she is not likely being totally unreasonable.

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@IWW4@lemmy.zip

14 hours ago

Just say thank you for the gift and move on. It has always been comical how much angst happens over gifts…

Making an issue about a gift is stupid.

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@AmidFuror@fedia.io

15 hours ago

A super old sex doll may be harboring microbes that could get your partner sick. Take the hint and accept the new one with some grace and class. Your mother-in-law is probably ok with it.

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@Rhaedas@fedia.io

15 hours ago

I could see you not reacting well to the gift and them being upset, but then it turned into something more than that. They made the mistake of doing something that you claim is well known you don't like. You held your line and rather than let it sit for a bit insisted it had to go. Now you're both mad/upset over a gift. Doesn't make sense, does it? Even more so if the value of this object isn't that much even new. Who is hurt more by this? You're confused about their reaction but were you hurt by the act of giving, even if it was something unwanted? The core thing you should ask yourself is why it became an argument, and was it worth it? It doesn't even matter who was right.

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@thisbenzingring@lemmy.sdf.org

15 hours ago

she wants that thing that you use all the time to be from her, while she watches you use the new one and to give it the age that shows all the wear and tear that you will put into it

she probably respects that you respect and cherish the old one and maybe she doesn’t want you to go without if it fails which all things will do in time

maybe you should put the old one in place that lets you see it as a trophy or momento while you use the new one and enjoy the gift your love has gifted to you

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@Triumph@fedia.io

15 hours ago

When someone who's in your daily life gives you a gift, you:

Don't return it
Don't tell them you want to return it
Don't hide it

Can't say much more without knowing what the thing is.

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@jubilationtcornpone@sh.itjust.works

15 hours ago

One time my wife got me a really nice DeWalt jig saw for Christmas. I already had a jigsaw. It worked well enough for as much as I use it. Although the newer one was better quality and had a few nicer features.

You know what I did? I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated it. She saw something she thought would make my life a little easier and got it for me as a gift. It was a very kind gesture. If it were the wrong one, I probably would have talked to her later and asked if I could exchange it for one that would have suited my needs better while still letting her know that I appreciated what she was trying to do. I’m sure she would have been fine with that.

What I wouldn’t have done was gripe at her for buying me a new power tool because I “don’t like new things” or “I already have a jigsaw and it works just fine.” That would be a terrible idea which would understandably hurt her feelings when she was just trying to do something nice for me.

It wasn’t about the “thing”. It was about the gesture. The fact that they gave you such a gift shows that they pay attention to what you do and they wanted to give you something to make your life a little easier. That was very thoughtful but you threw it back in their face. I completely understand why they’re angry.

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@hydrashok@sh.itjust.works

15 hours ago

I completely agree and thank you for articulating it better than I. All my draft replies either read as mean-spirited or dismissive.

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@ramielrowe@lemmy.world

15 hours ago

You’re going to a lot of effort to not actually mention what this thing is, which makes me wonder what it is and I suspect knowing that would provide additional and useful context.

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@9point6@lemmy.world

12 hours ago

100%

OP doesn’t even need to answer, the omission of this kinda indicates they potentially already know why

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@MagicShel@lemmy.zip

15 hours ago

My wife got me a bartesian for Christmas last year. It makes the worst fucking drinks I’ve ever had in my life. It takes up space in my kitchen. The drink pods are like $3 each. It takes cleaning and maintenance. I hate everything about it.

I acted happy about it. Privately seethed and ranted. I literally would rather have gotten nothing than wasted money on that. And then I tried several drinks from it before “deciding” I had fun mixing my own drinks, but I still use it for guests and for her drinks that she likes.

I think it’s god awful but I realized it made her happy and that is something I treasure. I don’t know if there’s anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate. Sometimes we just put on a happy face and let our loved ones enjoy giving us something.

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@mitram2@lemmy.pt

15 hours ago

For OP: This is one possible way to handle this situation, but it’s not the only reasonable one

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@corsicanguppy@lemmy.ca

15 hours ago

This guy knows.

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@NoSpotOfGround@lemmy.world

15 hours ago

Gifts are am emotional thing. There are lots of estimations of what the other person likes or wants and lots of expectations from the giving side. The whiplash from hoping for the best, to finding you’ve actually caused displeasure with your gift can be hard to handle.

Both sides need to be wise, in control of their emotions and those of the other party when gifts are exchanged. Be as gentle as you can when explaining why it’s not something you want, express the things you’re grateful for (the intention, their effort, etc.), and even more gentle with their upset feelings at your refusal.

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@devolution@lemmy.world

15 hours ago

A) You are acting like an ungrateful tool.

B) Perhaps she should have held off.

Be measured in your response next time, but at least have a conservation about what you want.

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@corsicanguppy@lemmy.ca

15 hours ago

We had a convo about what we want. It really helped.

We have an apartment in a nice island of walkability a ways out of town. It’s beautiful but pricy. We have very little extra space.

We dont give gifts; we give experiences. Here’s a spa day for the trip we’re saving up for next year. Can we take the gondola up to the top of the hill for that fancy-pants restaurant your mum wanted to try? Do you remember that spashy canal ride at the animal sanctuary we did the one time, and we almost lost our keys? The adorable kids “selling shells” at Yelapa? How about the whale watching where all we saw was COVID from the borrowed all-weather gear?? Ha ha ha, that sucked.

Memories store well. Pictures of chichen itza, the gondola at Benalmedana, the CN tower, the NYC WoW, they take up so little space - and the last one’s gone now - and they mean so much.

Give experiences, even if all they do is affirm the plan that you’re going to Disneyland next spring, hell or high water. I think they reinforce familial bonds and get people out of their living rooms and into climbing gear or even just a shared breakfast where they can laugh and tease and make new memories.

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@kip@piefed.zip

14 hours ago

unbearably twee, like an llm trained on live love laugh stickers

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@devolution@lemmy.world

15 hours ago

Now that make more sense.

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@iii@mander.xyz

16 hours ago

Sounds like you got the gift, and same day/party told them you’re going to return it?

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@BlameThePeacock@lemmy.ca

16 hours ago

This is one of those situations where nobody wins. They tried to do something nice, you didn’t like it, and both people ended up unhappy. Neither was being unreasonable.

Buying someone a gift of a new thing isn’t unreasonable. Even if you tend to like older/used things it’s still not an unreasonable concept to buy someone an upgrade.

Not liking a gift because the old one is fine is also not unreasonable. Especially if you have established this as a preference before.

The best option here is for the partner to realize that the goal of the gift is to make the other person happy, and if that didn’t work, figure out the path forward that does make them happy. (in this case returning the gift, and finding something else)

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@Chronographs@lemmy.zip

16 hours ago

They want to improve your life by giving you something which is not broken and assumedly works better than whatever you’re using now. You are rejecting that because of your insistence that things must be old. They know you will never get it for yourself, and maybe they think you’re just being cheap. It probably hurts them seeing you use what to them looks like a piece of crap. It’s really hard to say without knowing what the actual items involved are In just speculating.

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@shalafi@lemmy.world

15 hours ago

It’s not so much an insistence that things be old. I love refurbishing old things and making them work for me. Just cooked breakfast on a pan my wife and I found in the trash! I treasure items like that more than something I merely threw money at.

For example; I could have a laugh with a friend: “Check out this brand new pan we found in the garbage!” Vs. “Yeah, I went to Walmart and bought a new pan.”

One of my favorite vintage shotguns took me a month to refurbish, make it mine. Promise you’ve never seen one like it. It was all of $200 (parts, stain, every little cost). I’m far more proud of that than the any shotgun I could have bought at the store.

Anyway, I understand OP. But he still shouldn’t have insisted on returning the damned thing.

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@MyDarkestTimeline01@ani.social

15 hours ago

Knocking onto this, it could also stem from the fact that they’d like a bit more of OPs time. A new item means(presumably) less time trouble shooting and repairing, more efficient use, and less time having to correct the items mistakes. That additional time is some of what they are lamenting not being able to get.

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